Newsletter #11 “Emotional Reactions”

Update: I have just come out with a new small book Caring For The Care Giver. For more info: http://www.accesswisdom.com/books/self-care-book

This book was originally written for Child Abuse Prevention Home Visitors.

After writing this book, I realized that its scope was relevant and beneficial not only to Home Visitors, but also to Care Givers, Peace Builders, Nurses, Doctors, Hospice Workers, Social Workers, Therapists, and many other people.

If you are part of a group or organization that you think would benefit from this book, you can schedule me to lead a “Caring For the Care Giver” training which can be customized to meet your group or organization’s specific needs.

For more info: http://www.accesswisdom.com/training/self-care-training

Emotional Reactions

It is usually not what we are aware of but what we are unaware that does the most damage.

The holiday season will soon be upon us. This is a time of year where many of us spend quite bit of time with family. Family is an area that can trigger unexpected emotional reactions. One minute you are laughing and singing joyfully and the very next moment, Mom or Dad says a simple word or two and you feel as though you are going to explode through the roof!

Being unaware of emotional reactions can not only damage intimate relationships but also sabotage whatever we would like to accomplish in the world.

Emotional Reactions
The vast majority of us have past pain that lives in us. This creates sensitive buttons that live in us, some of which we are aware of and some we are not. These buttons are made up primarily of past pain and traumas. When one of these buttons gets activated, I will call the experience you are having an emotional reaction.

Once an emotional reaction is triggered in you, it can be very difficult to navigate. Our minds will usually think that this very intense emotional reaction is coming from the current event or person who triggered the reaction. In actuality, this event simply triggered one of our own places of unhealed pain and possibly trauma.

What Emotional Reactions Look Like/Feel Like
Often it feels as though a flood of intense emotion has been released inside of you. Your heartbeat may increase. Your mind may race. Your thinking will often be in black and white extremes, Good/Bad, Right /Wrong, etc. This is the reptilian part of your brain (the survival part of your brain) taking over. For some people the urge to punish the person in front of them is extremely strong. The mind thinks, “Look at what you caused in me. You are bad and should be punished.” For other people these emotional reactions will cause more fear, confusion, and withdrawal. In some cases this will bring up feelings of frustration with yourself and self-abusive thoughts, such as the idea you are bad or wrong.

Note: The more you understand your own emotional reactions the easier it is to understand and be with other people when they are in an emotional reaction. Often one person’s emotional reaction and outburst will trigger another person’s emotional reaction.

How to Deal with your Emotional Reactions

Step#1 Recognizing when you have been triggered
The first key is to recognize when you have been triggered. Sometimes the triggering is slow and you can feel your back, jaw, hands, arms, neck, and stomach tightening. Your stomach may start to feel uneasy. You may feel heat in your chest, face, or other areas. These are all cues that you are starting to get triggered. At other times the triggering will happen like a volcano suddenly erupting inside of you. However it takes place for you, the awareness to recognize when you are in reaction will give you many more options in handling your reaction.

Step#2 Taking a Timeout
It is probably best for everyone involved for you to take a timeout. This will give you a chance to be with what is happening inside of you and sort out where the emotional reaction is coming from in you.

Step #3 Taking Care of Yourself
I find that walking helps me the most to release some of the energy. I also ask myself questions such as, “Where is all of this energy coming from? What am I so hurt or angry about? What does this remind me of from my past?” You are welcome to use this approach or create your own. Find something that will work for you and please be gentle with yourself. You may also want to have a support person you can call and talk with. Ultimately you will want to find something that can bring your self back to a more calm and centered place.

Sometimes you may find yourself in a situation where you can’t take a time-out immedietly. One of the things that helps me to stay present is book marking. I will tell myself that I will book mark this emotional reaction and get to this as soon as a I can. If possible, you may want to write down a brief description of the reaction and plan to work with it later when you have more time. You may want to work with a therapist if the issue seems as though it is too deep to work with yourself.

When is your Upset about You and When is it about the other Person?
The truth is all your reactions are at least some about you. Most are mostly about you. When you are able to process your emotional reactions, it becomes clearer what was about you and what was your upset about them. Usually to our minds initially it will be 100% about them. But in reality our emotional reactions are usually at least 90% about us and our past unhealed pain.

How to deal with other people’s emotional reactions

Key #1 Understanding your own Emotional Reactivity
The better you are with recognizing and dealing with your own emotional reactions, the easier it will be for you to recognize and be with other people’s emotional reactions.

Key #2 Recognizing other People’s Emotional Reactivity
Once you have a grasp of this in yourself it is very easy to recognize the emotional reactivity in others. It is probably best to say to yourself, “Kim has fallen into an emotional reaction.” You may not want to say to Kim while she is in the emotional reaction, “You are just in an emotional reaction and talking crazy.” This is only likely to feed the emotional reaction and have her say to you “Don’t give me that emotional reaction crap. This is happening because of you.”

Key#3 Taking Care of yourself
If you are feeling as though you are not able to handle their emotional reaction or their emotional reaction is starting to trigger an emotional reaction for you, it is probably best at this point to leave and come back later. Rarely does anything good come out of two human beings in emotional reactions. Basically you have two insane beings that are confused, hurting, and operating from the reptilian part of the brain.

It is usually best to call a time-out and separate. Come back later when both of you have calmed down some and hopefully are in your frontal lobes of your brain. This is where understanding, wisdom and compassion can come from. This is where a conflict can be worked out in a way that heals and transforms past pain rather than adds to it.

Key #4 Presence
One of the interesting things about human beings is we can pass emotions from one person to the next. Often this is a negative passing of anxiety and fear from one person to the next. It is also possible to pass peace and love. If you can hold the space as peace and love while someone else is having an emotional reaction, it is possible for your presence to help shift them out of their emotional reaction. This is often done without a word being said by you. I wanted to give this as a possibility for being with emotional reactions.

Can I hold the space for you to have your emotional reaction while in the presence of my peace and love?

If you can, you are a very special human being who can bring great healing and love to the world.

For the world to transform we will need many more people who can stay deeply centered in peace and love while in the presence of great confusion, fear, and anger!

Thank you for reading my newsletter!

For more information on my work (Hugo Elfinstone) or books please visit:
www.accesswisdom.com

Final Note: Please feel free to forward this newsletter to anyone who may be interested in it or benefit from it. If someone wants to sign up to receive my newsletter, they can email me at hugo@accesswisdom.com.

With Love,

Hugo Elfinstone