Issue #12 “All I Want for Christmas is My Sanity 2nd Edition”

Please Note: At the bottom of this page there is a section for people who will be spending this Christmas alone.

In an ideal world, holidays would reflect a time to slow down, to ground ourselves, to connect with the people who matter most in our lives, to take some time to renew our connection with the divine, and to find our hearts.

Unfortunately for many of us, Christmas represents a time of great stress, chaos, and rush. We desperately try to get all of our Christmas shopping done and to find time to spend with our families. We try even harder to be in a good mood and to be nice and not get irritated with uncle Bert. For many of us, it probably feels like we need a vacation after Christmas just to re-coup from this exhausting holiday season.

How can we bring some sanity back to this time of year?
Sanity naturally returns when we start noticing what we are doing. It is important to notice how we are rushing, how frantic we are, and how we put getting everything done right for the holidays over the people in our lives. We can become irritated with the people in our lives because we don’t have time to interact with them. We are too busy wrapping gifts, cleaning, and preparing a beautiful meal, so we can show them how much we love them.
It is important to remember to put the people in our lives first. That is much more valuable than the perfect gifts, meals, and decorations. The people in our lives want us to be present with them, to connect with them, and to love them.

This is true even if they seem argumentative, difficult or annoying. What they truly want this Christmas is to be loved. Some people only know how to connect with people through arguing, fighting, or poking fun at others. Please remember the first act of any war is defense. The person who has nothing to defend will not be at war. If you have one of these difficult people in your life, you may want to try some direct honesty. For example, “I love you and I don’t want to fight with you,” or “I love you and what you said hurts my feelings. You are important to me and what I would really like is to sit down and spend some time with you, just talking without fighting and without the remarks that you may think are funny, but hurt my feelings. I would like to just be with you and find out how your life has been going this past year and what your plans are for the up-coming year.”

Being with Family members
For a rare few people in this world there is no challenge to being with family. Please feel free to skip this section. For most of us this is not the case. One of the things that can make being with family challenging is we have so much history with them. Therefore, it can be very easy for us to push each other’s buttons.† Dad says, “How is your job going?” And you answer, “Fine, it’s not all about the money you know.” Normally such a question would not cause an upset reaction, but without us knowing it, between “pass the fish” and “would you like some pie,” we can easily find ourselves being in an emotional reaction that we thought we were way beyond getting upset about.

One of the keys when being with family is to realize that most of us have things we like about our family members and things we dislike about them. Underneath the likes and dislikes we love them and they love us. I think what would be truly beautiful every holiday season is to find the love that lies beneath our appreciations and resentments.

It may help to write ahead of time two separate lists of things you like about each family member and things you dislike. Pay particular attention to the list of things you don’t like, by looking at how you may do the same thing you don’t like about them. For example, you may say that you don’t like how controlling your Mom is. Acknowledge that is true for you and how that has impacted your life. Then look at where in your life you are controlling. You may find that you and Mom have everything in common in this area. When you can see that what you dislike the most in another human being is also in you, then finding tolerance, compassion and even forgiveness is possible. Forgiveness is when you realize there was nothing to forgive; anything else is holding a moral high ground of superiority. If you find that it is particularly difficult to be with certain family members, you may want to limit the time you spend with them. Spend a good quality 2 –3 hours for a nice dinner, rather than 2-3 days. Please remember quality time is better than quantity. Out of tradition and a feeling of obligation, people can spend much more time with their family than is a good idea. In shorter doses we can stay more present and in our hearts with family members. Each person has unique family dynamics and I would recommend for each person to think about what works to allow them to take good care of themselves and to connect with love ones.

Tips for keeping your sanity:
1. Rest: When possible get enough rest.
2. Honesty: Be honest with yourself about what is happening with you, including if you are feeling sad, mad, or irritated.
3. Compassion: Be willing to put your sanity ahead of accomplishing all of your Christmas goals.
4. Be Real: Share honestly with your friends and family.
5. Stay Aware: Check in with yourself regularly and slow down for a few moments if you are getting too stressed out. Find a bench to sit on for a few moments. Close your eyes and just breathe.
6. Stay Grounded: Find your feet. Feel your feet on the ground while breathing. This will tend to help you ground and center even in a crazy Christmas shopping frenzy.
7. Blink: Remember to blink your eyes. This allows you to reset your eyes and see new things. This is particularly important in intense conversations or situations.
8. Timeouts: If you find your buttons are being pushed, take a timeout and go and spend some quiet time alone.
9. Careful: Be conscious of over drinking and eating to temporarily relieve stress, anxiety, and upsetting feelings.
10. Love: Remember that what is really important this time of the year is to love people, most importantly yourself.
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How to be Alone at Christmas
I realize some people reading this newsletter will not be spending Christmas with a significant other, their kids, mother, father, sister, brother, extended family, or friends. If you have no one to share this time of the year with, it can feel depressing. I have spent a few Christmas’s alone and I will admit that I did feel a little lonely, particularly on Christmas morning, but much to my surprise, I also really enjoyed my time alone. I found it a very rewarding time to focus on my spiritual life and my connection with God. I also went out and got myself a couple of gifts and when I opened them they were exactly what I wanted, right size, color and everything. If you are alone this Christmas, there is love available to you. It just may not be in the package of a lover, mother, or father. If you are alone this Christmas, I recommend finding a way to make it special and enjoyable for yourself, which may include getting gifts for yourself, preparing a speci al meal, spiritual rituals, movies, or anything else that feels like a treat to you. This is a wonderful opportunity to love yourself! And maybe you are thinking, “What good is loving myself? I want someone to love me.” If you learn to love yourself, you would be surprised how quickly someone wonderful may show up in your near future to love you too. It may not seem like it, but self -love is the key to giving and attracting love outside yourself.

Final thought: You may also want to consider volunteering to help out at a shelter, soup kitchen, Salvation Army, or other charity. Giving to people who truly need would be one of the most fulfilling ways that I could imagine to spend Christmas day!

The Spiritual
The winter season is a natural cycle to turn one’s attention inside. Usually in busy times the first thing to go is our quiet and spiritual time. I think it is very important to take some time to connect to yourself and the divine during this season. Even 10 minutes in the morning, 5 minutes in the afternoon, and 10 in the evening would make a big difference. When we take the time to slow down for a few minutes, center ourselves and connect with the divine, we return home and with the return, we can remember what is truly important: To LOVE, to open our hearts and to love the people in our lives. I invite you to give the gift of your loving presence this holiday season!

Thank you for reading my newsletter!

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With Love,

Hugo Elfinstone