Issue # 15 Honesty and Hurt feelings

Hurt feelings are not a contagious, incurable illness.

The intention not to hurt people is good; the unwillingness to be with people while their feelings are hurt isn’t. The truth is my feelings get hurt. Your feelings get hurt, and everyone else’s feelings get hurt. No matter how hard we try, people’s feelings are going to get hurt. Again, people’s feelings getting hurt isn’t all about you. What hurts our feelings is often a great pointer to where we have unhealed pain living inside us.

What usually happens is the person who triggered the other person's feelings getting hurt either takes all the blame or becomes defensive. “It’s not my fault.” While the person who has had his feelings hurt blames the other person or withdraws and pretends his feelings weren’t hurt. None of these scenarios or interactions are helpful in deeper healing.

What is helpful is the willingness to stay with each other and work through the hurt feelings without playing the blame and right/wrong game.

Hurt feelings can be a great opportunity for healing, love and deeper connection to unfold. Many times this opportunity is lost because people are looking to avoid being in their discomfort around hurt feelings, not realizing that just on the other side of the hurt feelings are priceless gifts.

Withholding information to avoid hurt feelings

Sometimes withholding can be a kind thing to do, especially in the case of our negative judgments. Yet, at other times it is far from compassionate and more likely an avoidance of having a difficult conversation.

Story
Marcy and Jim had been on several dates over the last few weeks. Marcy was really excited about starting a relationship with Jim. This was also in alignment with what Jim was thinking. Well, that is until a few days ago when he met Lisa. Jim and Lisa seemed to instantly hit it off. Jim said later to his friend Bob, “I have never felt this way before. I just really connect with Lisa. It’s awesome!”

Bob asked, “What about Marcy?”

“Marcy is great but we don’t have this kind of chemistry.”

“What are you going to tell Marcy?”

“ Nothing, I don’t want to hurt her feelings. She is a smart girl she will figure it out and besides we just went on couple dates, so it’s really no big deal. I can’t wait to see Lisa tonight; she is planning a mystery date for me!”

Later that night Marcy leaves a message for Jim asking him to call her when he gets in. It is now midnight and Marcy has not heard from Jim. She has a sinking feeling in her chest and hopes that everything is okay. “He usually returns my calls right away,” she thinks. She starts to worry that maybe he has been in some awful accident or something. She calls and leaves another message saying she is worried that something might have happened to him and to please call her when he gets in. Jim does call her back at 1:00a.m. “Hi Marcy, sorry I didn’t call you back sooner. I am fine, no horrible accident. I was just out with Bob and we were having a really intense conversation. I am really exhausted can I give you a call tomorrow?”

Marcy says, “Sure, that would be great. Good night”. The next day Jim does not call. The following day Marcy leaves a message for Jim to call her. Jim does not return her call. Marcy starts to feel depressed and anxious and wishes Jim would just talk to her and let her know what is happening.

Several days later Marcy happens to run into Jim at the farmers market. Jim says, “Hi Marcy. I am so sorry; I keep meaning to call you. I am just swamped with work and my Mom is visiting this weekend.”

Marcy bravely asks, “Are you not interested in dating me anymore?” Jim replies, “No, that is not it. I will give you call later and explain everything. I need to go now and pick my Mom up at the airport.”

Jim never calls Marcy again. The following week Marcy literally bumps into Bob at the grocery store and asks him if she can talk with him. Bob says, “Sure.”

“I am really confused about what happened with Jim. It seemed like we were having a great time and he was saying all these wonderful things he would like to do together. Then he just stopped talking with me. Did I do something wrong?”

Bob answers, “Not at all. Jim is one of my best friends, but I don’t like how he handled things with you. The reason Jim stopped talking with you is that he met someone else.” Marcy tears up a little bit and looks down at her feet. Bob reaches over and softly places his left hand on her shoulder and says, “I am really sorry, Marcy”.

Marcy looks up at Bob and says, “ I really appreciate you for telling me that. I know it must not have been easy for you to say. At least I know the truth now and can stop wondering what I did wrong. Thank you, Bob!”

It is important to realize that not knowing the truth can be much harder than knowing the truth. Knowing may be painful, but it is much easier to process something with clarity than with confusion.

The truth is we often avoid conversations that may hurt someone else’s feelings primarily because it is easier for us. We don’t want to suffer their suffering and it makes us feel really uncomfortable, so it is easier to avoid it all together. After all, they will eventually get the message. Would you prefer someone told you something that may hurt your feelings, or would you prefer that they just acted differently or stopped talking with you and left you to figure out what happened? Which do you think is more compassionate and loving?

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With Love,

Hugo Elfinstone